


Give me one good honest kiss

by sondeneige



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Don't copy to another site, Hanahaki Disease, Hospitalization, Illnesses, M/M, Nothing too explicit though, Pining, descriptions of the coughing are throughout, inability to breathe due to illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-17 16:46:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18102479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sondeneige/pseuds/sondeneige
Summary: It started out slowly, easy to ignore if Hide hadn’t known exactly what it was and what it represented...Finally, like a release, Hide coughed once, violently. It was a cough as he had never felt before....Once he was sure no one was looking his way he looked down into his hand. That last cough he had felt something force its way up his throat and he had caught it in his hand for lack of a better place. As he saw what it was, Hide’s breath caught for an entirely different reason.In his hand was a damp, slightly crinkled, red petal.***Hanahaki Diseaseis where the sufferer coughs up increasing amounts of petals when they experience unrequited love. This ends in either the love being returned, surgically removal... or death.





	Give me one good honest kiss

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you all like this fic! It was inspired by [Dawn's art](https://emerald-0wl.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> So many thanks to my wonderful betas!  
> To [Midori](https://archiveofourown.org/users/midoriverte) for always being so great for bouncing ideas off of. And to [Kiwi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_Kiwi_33) for encouraging me and making sure I didn't totally hate this! Couldn't have done this without you both <3 <3

It started out slowly, easy to ignore if Hide hadn’t known exactly what it was and what it represented. They had been sitting in a boring high school class. One of many. Hide glanced over at Kaneki, as he tended to do when he was bored, when he felt it in his throat. He started coughing as quietly as he could, trying to clear the feeling. 

Kaneki glanced over, concern in his eyes. Hide smiled back reassuringly, though the feeling was only getting worse. Kaneki looked back to the front. 

Finally, like a release, Hide coughed once, violently. It was a cough as he had never felt before. His teacher looked at him sharply, caught between worry and reprimand. Hide dipped his head slightly in apology and waved a hand to indicate he was okay. 

Once he was sure no one was looking his way he looked down into his hand. That last cough he had felt something force its way up his throat and he had caught it in his hand for lack of a better place. As he saw what it was, Hide’s breath caught for an entirely different reason. 

In his hand was a damp, slightly crinkled, red petal. 

Hide swallowed roughly. His eyes went to Kaneki. He closed his hand over the petal, crunching it as small as it would go, he knew he wouldn’t be able to run from this forever. He knew this was something, was an illness which was inescapable. But, for now, he didn’t want anyone to know. 

The petals kept coming. Infrequent enough that sometimes Hide would go a few weeks wondering if he had made a miraculous recovery. Which he knew was impossible, considering he still had the same crush on Kaneki that he had always had. He still got butterflies in his stomach when Kaneki would look at him with those intense grey eyes. He still got that urging rush to do anything Kaneki asked, or needed, or wanted. He still felt irrationally protective of Kaneki when he would hear hints of how his aunt treated him. He still caught himself staring at Kaneki’s lips thinking how nice they would feel on his own, and often woke up from dreams in which Kaneki's lips found their way to even more exciting places.

By the time they were graduating high school, he could be guaranteed at least a few petals a week. In fact, the last day they walked to school together he felt the all too familiar feeling of a cloying petal making its way up his throat as he saw Kaneki coming up the street towards him. He surreptitiously coughed it up (he had gotten much better at doing so in secret) and quickly dropped it on the ground, crushing it underfoot. 

What he didn’t notice, in his rush, was that this time there was not just one petal, but two. 

After graduation Hide and Kaneki both went off to Kamii University as planned. And for the most part life was good. There was of course all the business of being in university, and the overwhelmingness of being away from home for the first time. But Hide had always liked new things. Though Kaneki and Hide weren’t living together they saw each other all the time, living their new lives alongside one another. 

Things were great… if Hide just ignored the petals that he regularly had to throw out. Until one day he got a text:

**Kaneki:** Hide help!

Hide fumbles as he picks up his phone in his rush to answer Kaneki, but by the time he has it in his hands another text had come through. 

**Kaneki:** I think I just got a date and I’m kinda freaking out

There is a tickle in Hide’s throat.

**Hide:** a date?? how’d you swing that, i didn’t know you there was someone you liked

He then sends the eyes emoji that he knows Kaneki hates.

**Kaneki:** It’s just, this girl who goes to Anteiku too, I’ve seen her around. She saw me reading Black Goat’s Egg. 

**Kaneki:** And came over and asked if I wanted to get coffee and talk about books we like

**Kaneki:** We’re meeting tomorrow! Can I come over to discuss?

Though the last thing in the world Hide wants to do is discuss Kaneki’s love life, he is still his best friend and so Hide would really like to say yes. However there is the small problem of the petals that he started coughing up after he sent his text that… don’t seem to be stopping. 

Previously the most there had been at once was three or four. But now, they just keep coming. Hide takes in a deep ragged breath. 

Lifting his phone he can see it has been three minutes since Kaneki’s last text. Not long but he had read it and Kaneki would wonder why he hadn’t responded. It wasn’t like him to not respond right away. 

Between coughs Hide manages to type out a response.

**Hide:** sorry, im super busy tongit :/ we can chat tmrrw and ill help you out

**Kaneki:** Oh, ok. Good luck with your work

**Hide:** thx, congrats on your date!

As he presses send a fresh wave hits him and he drops his phone to clutch his throat. 

Eventually the coughing, and the petals, slow. He pants, finally able to get the proper amount of oxygen into his lungs. Once he can breathe properly again he looks down and registers the pool of red around him. It looks like more all at once than he has coughed up one at a time since his Hanahaki began. 

He feels like he should want to cry, or be angry, but instead he just picks up his phone, brushing some petals off of it. It’s been almost an hour since Kaneki first texted him. Good thing he didn’t invite Kaneki over, he would be here by now. 

Also, there’s no response from Kaneki. Now he does feel like crying. Instead Hide stumbles to his feet, exhausted from the long lack of oxygen. He lies down onto the nearby couch and immediately falls asleep. 

~ ~ ~

Though he wouldn’t think it possible, and he would almost rather some dramatic change; life goes back to normal. Hide coughs up the occasional petals (thankfully with no more attacks as severe as that night) he keeps going to classes and hanging out with Kaneki whenever they’re both free. 

Hide doesn’t hear anymore about the date that Kaneki went on. He can’t decide whether he is happy or upset about this, though he is certain his lungs are pleased. Although sometimes, when Hide asks if Kaneki is free he gets an oddly cagey response. 

He doesn’t mind though, although he would like to spend every second of his time with Kaneki logically Hide knows it is good for them to spend time apart, have separate friends… he tells himself this at least. 

Hide whistles tunelessly as he crosses the quad to get to class, trying very hard not to think about how the text he had just received from Kaneki saying, “Ah no sorry I have plans” was terribly vague. And how would it kill Kaneki to just  _ tell him what his plans are _ for once when he sees them. Across the quad. Standing close and talking companionably, is a tall beautiful woman and Kaneki. Hide stops in his tracks. 

The woman laughs at something Kaneki has said and puts her hand on Kaneki’s arm, Hide can tell from here that Kaneki is blushing at the attention. Before a conscious thought about who she is even reaches Hide’s mind the petals have started pushing up his throat. 

As he starts having to forcibly cough just to be able to breathe it hits him,  _ oh, she’s his girlfriend. _ The red petals starting tumbling out of his mouth, in fits and bursts with each cough. He keeps his eyes fixed across the quad. He has worked so hard to hide this from Kaneki, and yet, somehow he wants him to look over, right now, and see him, to see this. 

But he doesn’t. Kaneki looks up at his date with adoring eyes as she leads them around a corner and away. 

Hide falls to his knees and struggles to draw breath. The red petals collecting around him making it look like he has been grievously injured. Now that he is not fixated on Kaneki he notices he is beginning to draw attention. As much as he would like to move somewhere more private… he is not sure at this point if he can.  

A kind voice is speaking comfortingly to him, telling him to keep coughing. There are a number of voices around him, encircling him. 

“He’s let it get so far.”

“I’ve always thought Hanahaki is so romantic haven’t you?”

“So weak, a man coughing his lungs out like that.” 

“It’s not often you see Hanahaki that severe.”

“I wonder who its for?”

He feels a hand on his back, rubbing circles there. “Hey, does it feel like it’s slowing at all?” Hide can’t respond. He can’t do anything but cough. 

The voices around him are starting to sound oddly far away and muffled, he’s not sure when the sun went behind the clouds either, it was so sunny a few minutes ago. 

Between the sounds of his own coughing and the faint wet thuds of the damp petals hitting each other on the ground the vaguely hears the kind voice telling someone to call 119. His arms which had been holding him up collapse and he falls weakly to the ground. 

_ I hope that she makes Kaneki happy.  _

~ ~ ~

His eyelids feel heavy, almost like Hide has to drag them open. When he does he looks around and realises with alarm that he is in a hospital. He attempts to push himself up to a sitting position but his arms feel weak as well. 

“Oh, you’re awake,” Hide hears a voice from his right. He looks over to see another young adult in the bed beside him. 

He tries to respond, but only a rough noise comes out. He clears his throat harshly, though regrets that immediately as it causes a large amount of pain. He tries again, “How long was I out?”

“They brought you in this morning, so probably not more than twenty-four hours,” his new roommate says as if that is a short amount of time to be unconscious. 

“In?”

“Yeah, into the Hanahaki ward, that’s where we are.”

“You have it too?”

“I mean, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.” 

Hide let’s his head fall back onto the flat pillow. 

“My name is Naoya Ibuse by the way. We should let them know you’re up,” Hide hears a dinging sound and turns his head to see his roommate has just pressed his call button. “A doctor will come explain.”

Hide nods silently, for once in his life not feeling like interacting. 

Eventually a doctor comes to speak to Hide, his roommate having noted his consciousness to the nurse who had dropped by to check on the call. While she is there the nurse gently helps Hide to sit up, showing him how to use the motorized buttons on the side of the bed to prop it up. 

The doctor is holding a tan folder in his hands, “My name is Doctor Miyamoto and I am one of the doctors on this ward. How are you feeling Hideyoshi?” 

Hide blinks. “Just Hide is fine.”

“Do you know why you’re here?” the doctor is undeterred. 

“Well the petals I have been coughing up for three years sort of gave it away.” Out of the corner of his eye Hide can see his roommate briefly glance up from the book he is reading, or ‘reading’ might be more accurate. Which makes Hide consider,  _ are we really just going to have this conversation about my whole love life in this room is that how this goes? _

“Y-yes well,” the doctor shuffles his paper, “since you were how old?” 

“Sixteen.” 

“I see.”

“The attack you had yesterday was it the first of its kind?”

“Yeah, I mean I’ve had one kind of bad one before but I didn’t pass out. Usually it’s just a few petals at a time.”

Miyamoto is furiously scribbling notes in Hide’s file. “Have you ever manifested a full or partial flower before?”

“No.” Hide looks off to the side, “no just petals.”

“Okay, okay that’s a good sign! Means we have caught it early.”

“Yeah… early.”

“Alright, a senior doctor will be along,” he checks the clock on the wall, “probably not until tomorrow, to explain to you your options in your situation. Have a good night!” He says far more cheerily than Hide feels the situation warrants and waves as he leaves the room. 

“Great,” Hide lets his head fall back on his pillow again. 

“If it’s any consolation,” Naoya speaks up, “its ramen tonight, which is one of the better meals. I mean, it’s still not great. But it’s decent.”

“Well that’s something at least.”

“Gotta take your wins where you can get them in here.”

“I can’t tell if that’s motivating or depressing.”

Naoya laughs, “Me neither man, me neither.”

Less than an hour later dinner arrives. Before it could though Hide’s roommate had an attack where he coughed up a large amount of pale yellow petals. A nurse came in and cleared them up as a matter of course and handed him tea to soothe his throat. Hide tried not to stare at the whole production, though it was hard not to be alarmed at how commonplace it was, after hiding his own illness for so long. 

Partway through dinner Naoya says, “You know, I’m not sure why they get a senior doctor to come in and tell you your options, it’s not like you’ve got a load of them.”

Hide looks over.

Naoya shrugs, “Maybe it’s some sort of liability thing. Because the junior doctors aren’t allowed to talk about the surgery they can’t perform yet or something. But I mean, you can get the surgery and remove all romantic feelings forever or… you know, die.” 

“I heard there is risk of,” Hide stares at his hands, “more than just the romantic feelings being removed.”

“They say the risk is negligible, but you never know you know. My last roommate in here.” He stops, looking more serious than Hide has seen him yet. “Some people don’t want to take that risk and they can’t force you to have the surgery… it’s not a pretty death.”

Hide feels the telltale creep of petals in his throat. 

Naoya clears his, “I’m booked for my surgery next week. I resisted for a while but is it worth it, in the end is anyone worth dying for? For a long time I thought she was but… I just want to have a life again you know? One that isn’t me coughing up petals every couple hours.” He shakes his head, suddenly looking over at Hide, “Shit sorry to suddenly dump on you dude, it’s uh, it’s been a hell of a couple weeks.”

“It’s alright, I get it,” the creeping petals force their way out of Hide’s throat and he coughs them out, self conscious from not being used to doing so in front of others. 

His roommate gestures at the bucket beside Hide’s bed, “The nurses only come help clean up for more major attacks, just stick those in there for now and they empty it every now and then.”

“Thanks,” Hide drops the petals in. 

The rest of their evening is spent in silence, until Hide slips into a fitful and early sleep. 

The next day when the senior doctor comes by he says much the same thing as Naoya had said the night before. He lists out Hide’s options (surgery or death). He was cagey about the risks of total loss of emotions towards the ‘target of the disease’ as he put it, though he did acknowledge it was a risk. It was clear that surgery was what he wants Hide to agree to. Which makes sense Hide supposes, as that’s the way that his patients won’t die. 

Hide notices that no one ever talks about the ‘target of the disease’ reciprocating therefore healing the Hanahaki,  _ although I guess if it’s gotten to the point we’re in the hospital that ship has already sailed, _ Hide figures. 

~ ~ ~

Over the next couple of days Naoya keeps having severe attacks (the kind the nurses come help you out with) and Hide keeps coughing up small clumps of petals with increasing frequency. The doctors have given him a clipboard with a chart to record the time and amounts of the attacks. Which isn’t the most fun activity in the world, recording your slow march toward death. 

It doesn’t take too many missed classes and activities before Hide’s friends start texting him asking him where he is. He tells them that he is home sick with the flu. But, “don’t bother coming over!! I’m all stocked up on soup and I don’t want to get anyone else sick,” when a few friends ask. 

Kaneki’s text is harder to blow off. Hide can hear the worry through his words. 

**Kaneki:** You’re sure you are alright? I can come over after class.

**Hide:** no I’m serious dude I dont want to get you sick 

**Kaneki:** Hmm, well if it continues for longer than a week you should go to a doctor. 

Hide laughs at that,  _ don’t worry Kaneki lots of doctors here.  _

**Hide:** ill be better before you know it

**Kaneki:** Make sure you stay hydrated. And eat as much as you can!

**Hide:** jeez alright i will

**Kaneki:** Hmmm

Hide sends a kissy emoji to Kaneki, hoping to shake him off from lecturing him. 

**Kaneki:** Just let me know if you need anything?

**Hide:** I will dude

But you can only text every one of your friends that you are home sick with the flu for so long before someone figures out that you aren’t actually at your apartment. A week and a half later in marches Yosano, one of the bolder of Hide’s friends. 

“Oh shit.”

“Oh shit is right Hide what the fuck are you doing here?” Yosano puts her hands on her hips. 

Hide’s new roommate glances between them nervously. 

Hide gestures around himself, “What does it look like?”

“This is about damn Kaneki isn’t it?”

“So what if it is?”

She sighs heavily, and moves to sit on the end of Hide’s bed after drawing the curtain between his and his roommate’s bed, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Hide shrugs, “What was there to tell?”

She bats his leg lightly.

“I didn’t fancy getting yelled at more about more of the same thing.”

Hide knew what Yosano’s opinion was on his crush on Kaneki was. Which was that he should give up and move on. Move on and go on some very adventurous exploring while he is in university. They had had this argument a number of times. 

Her hand moved slowly back and forth over Hide’s blanketed shin, voice quiet, “You never told me you had Hanahaki for him. And if you’re in here you’ve clearly had it for a while.”

“Would that have changed your opinion?”

“No… I guess not. But I could have… helped more I guess.”

“It’s still the same situation.”

“No. No Hide it’s not. You can die from this, you  _ are _ dying from this. That isn’t the same thing at all.” 

Silence falls over them. 

“I’m sorry Yosano. I haven’t, hadn’t, told anyone before. Didn’t really know how.”

“Then what happened?”

“Passed out in the quad because of an attack,” Hide laughs, “wasn’t exactly subtle.” 

“When do you ever do anything subtly?”

“Okay rude,” Hide grins. It is good to see a friend.

They sit for a long while, Yosano catching Hide up on school gossip, and even some of the more important notes from the class they have together. It isn’t until later when visiting hours are almost over that Hide realises. 

“Wait a second. How did you know I was here?”

Yosano looks sheepish, “You remember my friend Aki who is in nursing school?”

“Yeah.”

“She mayyy have asked me how you were feeling because she saw you were here on her rounds one day. Not realising I didn’t even know you were sick,” Yosano shoots Hide a pointed glare. 

Hide ignores the glare. “I’m pretty sure she’s not supposed to do that.”

“I mean technically she’s not a nurse yet? Okay yeah no she’s not supposed to, but to be fair to her it’s not like she was ratting you out she legitimately didn’t realise you hadn’t told anyone and was just making conversation.”

“Yeah yeah,” Hide glances away. 

“She still shouldn’t have though.” Yosano says quietly. 

Both of them sit for a moment, Yosano looks out the window at the small clouds scurrying by in the orange sky outside the window beside Hide’s bed. Hide looks down at where his fingers play with the worn, thin blanket on his uncomfortable bed. He coughs feebly. 

“So what’s the plan,” Yosano finally breaks the silence. 

“Plan?” Hide looks up at her. 

“Well you can’t just…? Sit here?”

“I…” Hide looks out at the clouds. “Same plan as before.” 

When Yosano doesn’t respond he looks back at her, seeing her stunned into silence. He can’t quite determine if the look on her face is anger or shock. Probably a combination of both. 

She shakes herself, “You realise Hanahaki is fatal right?”

“Yeah.” 

“God Hide sometimes I think you’re smart but really you’re just super dense aren’t you?”

“Hey!” The two of them have a teasing friendship, but that didn’t sound like she was joking. 

“For Kaneki, Hide? Seriously Kaneki?” Hide can already feel himself getting angry at her words, and can also feel the petals building in his throat. “You’ve been in love with the guy for as long as I’ve known you and who knows how much longer than that. And he’s never noticed. Like come on,” she rolls her eyes a bit. 

“Hey now, he’s my best friend,” Hide tries to keep his voice light.

“And what have you gotten for any of it? You’re a way better friend than him too. He’s quiet and distant. Even if he did like you back he wouldn’t deserve you and what have you gotten from liking him all these years literally nothing, except for a broken heart, and now it’s killing you. Just get it over with-”

Hide opens his mouth to angrily cut her off and is interrupted by a rush of petals. A clump fall out of his mouth before he can even make the effort to force them up. The next wave he is not so lucky. And he finds himself losing breath as clumps and clumps of petals push their way up his throat. At some point a nurse rushes in to hold the bucket up for him to cough into. Yosano quickly stands up to get out of the way. 

The attack subsides and they’re alone again, Hide having caught his breath. 

“Don’t you see,” Yosano begins again. Hide glares, somehow the exhaustion from the attack making him more angry. “Get the surgery, he isn’t- please don’t die Hide.”

“He’s my best friend.”

“Then at least tell him? What do you have to lose at this point?”

~ ~ ~ 

Hide comes back into his room one afternoon after a slow, careful walk down the length of the hallway (he has been trying to keep moving every day but it is hard when you can barely breath). As soon as he turns around the corner he stops short. Because inside his room is Kaneki, anxiously pacing back and forth. 

Briefly Hide considers running, though given his current level of fitness it doesn’t seem like he would get far. Also  _ this is his room _ so all of his stuff is in it, including his outside shoes, phone and jacket. Still he considers it. 

He does so for long enough that Kaneki looks up to see who has entered. 

“Hide!” Kaneki runs to him, “Oh thank god,” Kaneki immediately envelops him in a tight hug. Continuing to mutter gratefully. 

The petals push at Hide’s throat, he hasn’t seen Kaneki in a long time. 

“Oh no, oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“No it’s fine,” Hide says quickly, depositing the clump of petals that had built in his throat at Kaneki’s touch into the nearby garbage can. He looks back up to a very concerned looking Kaneki, who has his hands out like he wants to help but doesn’t know how. 

Hide waves off the help, “It’s okay I’m used to that,” that doesn’t make the look of concern in Kaneki’s eyes lessen. Hide moves around Kaneki carefully and makes his way to his bed. “So what are you doing here?”

“I-” Kaneki looks stunned for a moment, he moves a bit closer to Hide’s bed. “I hadn’t heard from you… you said you were sick but then stopped responding to my texts. I went to your apartment but you weren’t there.” He shuffles his feet, “I’m sorry but I was so worried so the second time I went I used my spare key and let myself in, I could tell you hadn’t been there in a long time, so I got  _ really  _ worried.” 

“But then how did you know I was here?”

“Um, I looked around trying to figure out where you had gone, but there was nothing. Eventually I worked up the courage and messaged Yosano, she told me that you were here.”

Kaneki gestures at Hide, then to the bed, “You should really sit down.”

Hide nods gratefully, tired from his walk. He flops down on his bed. Nodding at the guest chair beside it. 

Kaneki sits. Fiddling with the zipper on his jacket. 

“What’s up?” Hide asks.

“Who- who is it?”

“Hmm?”

“The…” he gestures at Hide again, “the Hanahaki, who is it for? Do I know them?”

Hide coughs again, spitting the few petals into the bucket attached to the side of his bed. 

“No- no one you know, just uhh,” more petals, “someone from a bunch of my classes.”

Kaneki narrows his eyes, “And it’s already this bad?”

“You know me. Never do anything by halves.”

~ ~ ~

Kaneki continues to visit Hide whenever he can, after classes, on his days off, on weekends. He brings him his missed school work, helps him complete it in an attempt to ensure Hide doesn’t have to drop out of the semester. Through it all Hide refuses to tell him the name of the object of his Hanahaki. 

“You’re really not going to tell me?”

“I don’t want you to harass them.”

Kaneki gives Hide a deadpan glare. 

“Alright harass might be a strong word for what you would do but still, I don’t want them to be bothered.”

“So you won’t tell me who it is? It’s someone I don’t know? And yet you’re not going to get the surgery?”

Hide shifts where he is seated. 

“Hide.”

“You’re getting worse.”

“And  _ you’re _ getting bold.” 

“Because you’re- I don’t want to lose you Hide.” 

Hide takes a deep breath, as best he can these days, “Yeah, I know.”

A few days later they are sitting in Hide’s room again, this time Kaneki is sitting alongside Hide, both of them leaning against the propped up bed. Both a blessing and a curse for Hide, it feels so good to have Kaneki beside him but it does mean a lot of coughing breaks today. 

All of a sudden Kaneki interjects, “Do they even know?”

“Hmmm?”

“This person? Do they even know you like them?”

Hide is silent for a long moment, “No, no they don’t.”

Kaneki looks over, “You’re not even going to ask if they like you?”

“Well they clearly don’t,” Hide finally looks over into Kaneki’s clear grey eyes. 

“How do you know?”

Hide scoffs, and gestures at where he has been living.

“You’re not even going to give them a chance?”

Hide shrugs, “They’ve known me for a while, if they liked me I wouldn’t be like this.”

Kaneki goes back to his work. Then, out of nowhere, “That’s bullshit! Who wouldn’t love you! You’re not even going to  _ ask _ them??”

Hide is saved from thinking up a response to that by the appearance of a large number of petals coming up his throat, reducing the amount of air entering his lungs for quite a while. Other than the pain and lack of oxygen, the only sensation he is aware of in that time is the feeling of Kaneki rubbing soft circles on his back. 

~ ~ ~ 

“You don’t look so good.”

“Yeah,” Hide coughs feebly, “thanks.”

Yosano sighs and sits beside his feet on the bed, “Still haven’t told him?”

“At this point I feel like it would just break  _ his _ heart.”

She hits him lightly on the knee. It almost hurts Hide more how soft the hit is, he must look worse than he thought.

“You don’t have much more time to make a decision either way.”

“I have time.”

“Remember there are people who love you Hide, and more to life than loving Kaneki.”

“Yeah… yeah I know.”

~ ~ ~

Hide’s condition continued to deteriorate, Kaneki continued to visit, not realising that this may be contributing to the deterioration. Not that Hide would have it any other way. Kaneki is quietly reading in the chair by the window while Hide rests on the bed, scrolling mindlessly on his phone between attacks. It is after Hide has caught his breath from a particularly strong attack when Kaneki clears his throat and Hide looks over at him inquisitively. 

“I wish,” he pauses. 

“Hmm?”

“I wish it was enough that I loved you.”

Hide feels tears spring to his eyes, but, incredibly, no flowers to his throat. 

“But,” Kaneki looks forlorn, “I guess it’s the wrong kind of love.”

Hide didn’t know his heart could break any further, but there it goes. He nods weakly, not trusting his voice, or knowing what words he would say if he tried to find any. 

~ ~ ~

Soon Hide’s condition is perilous. Doctor Miyamoto starts to visit him every day, impressing on him how  _ easy, quick, _ and  _ painless _ the surgery is. And how it is imperative he gets it soon. All but tell him he is an idiot for not getting the surgery sooner, for not getting it now. Nurses start to give him worried looks as they support him through attacks, last week he got moved to an individual room in a different part of the ward so he could get more care. They didn’t say it but clearly this was the one of the rooms they reserved for those the most sick with Hanahaki. 

Kaneki also doesn’t say anything but Hide can see how much this change unsettles him. Though Hide made sure to text him his new room number as quickly as possible so Kaneki wouldn’t go looking for him in the other one. 

The new room is quiet, some would have liked the privacy but Hide is not one of them. The roommates had given him something to do, something to distract himself with and they also kept his extroverted self happy. This change, out of all of it, the most makes him feel like he is ill, like he is fading. 

Hide sits in silence, looking out his new window, at the new view (which maybe he is biased but he doesn’t think it is as good), when Kaneki speaks up, “Are you okay?”

Hide starts, “Wha?”

“You seem- I don’t know.”

Hide shrugs, “Could see the trees out my old window,” he points, illustrating his point. 

Kaneki looks, and nods in agreement. But when he looks back at Hide it is still with a furrowed brow of concern. He gets up and sits on the bed beside Hide’s hip, Hide shifting over to accommodate him. 

“Hey Hide?”

“Yeah,” Hide’s eyes fall away from the window, but not to anything in particular. 

“Why have you never told me who your Hanahaki is for?”

Hide sighs, “It just seems easier that way.”

“Easier for who?”

“For everyone.”

“Can I try something?” Kaneki asks.

Hide shrugs, “Sure.”

Kaneki gently, oh so gently, cups one hand on Hide’s cheek to get his attention and guide his face in his direction. Hide’s eyes snap to Kaneki’s in surprise, he coughs lightly at Kaneki’s touch but the flowers don’t push their way up. 

Heart pounding in his chest Kaneki stares hard into Hide’s eyes, long enough that he begins to see a questioning look there. So he swallows hard, instinctively tightening his hand ever so slightly on Hide’s face and leans in to press his lips to Hide’s. Hide immediately presses back with the limited energy he has, the hand which is not propping him up from the bed reaching up to grasp at Kaneki’s forearm. 

They break apart moments later, both breathing hard. 

“What,” Hide swallows, takes a moment to catch his breath, “what was that?”

“I just- really wanted to kiss you.”

Hide blinks. 

“What.”

“You being sick like this has made me think about what it would be like to love you romantically, and then I thought about it a lot and then I realised that… maybe I do? And then I thought that I would really like to kiss you bef- even if, even if it didn’t make any difference.”

Hide realises two things at once: one that Kaneki is starting to cry and two that he doesn’t feel any encroaching petals or flowers in his chest. He doesn’t feel… good. Clearly damage has been done that he must recover from. But, there is nothing threatening to choke him, nothing blocking his airways. He can  _ breathe _ for the first time in weeks, months. He laughs. 

Kaneki sits back, “I’m sorry, I know I’m not- who you want.”

Hide lunges forwards, grabbing Kaneki’s face with both hands to pull him in for a more thorough kiss. Kaneki makes a small squeak but after a moment of stiffness relaxes and kisses energetically back. 

“Hide?”

“It was you, it was always you.”

“M-me?”

“Y-yeah,” Hide is the one crying now, “yeah you, I love you too.”

Kaneki blinks in surprise. 

“I’m all better now, I can feel the flowers are gone.”

“They, they are?”

They’re both crying now and Hide rests his forehead against Kaneki’s, “Let’s go home Kaneki.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this! I appreciate any and all comments! And don't forget to check out the other works posted for the Big Bang over on the Tokyo Ghoul Reverse Bang tumblr.


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